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Yesterday I bought a map of the world. I then gave my wife a dart, and told her to throw it, and wherever it lands, I'll take you there on holiday. This year, we're spending 3 weeks behind the fridge. 🤣 
Alcohol - The best night time: slurring, headache, dehydration, drink spilling, charm killing, so you think you can dance "medicine"
I've walked like an Egyptian, moonwalked, Walked this Way, walked on the wild side, walked on Sunshine, walked all over you and walked the line. I've done a lot of walking. I'm tired.
I just sold a lawnmower on Craigslist. That's the last time my neighbor wakes me on a Saturday.
Why does the last bite always taste like fish?
No Burger King Day - Joe Biden
Dear diary... Today my friends asked me to go on a 5 mile run. So I made a list of things I'll need. 1. New friends.
Remember when the economy was so good that if someone had a roommate we thought they were gay ?
Not everyone knows this, but the paper towels by the gas pumps are for wiping away your tears after paying to fill your tank.
I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache. Then all of a sudden she isn't your friend anymore.
...and that is when I learned, never crank-up a belt sander while holding a cat!
Due to the ridiculous gas prices, I will no longer be stopping at stop signs or red lights. I can't afford to idle. Thank you for your understanding and stay safe!
my microwave impression: MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM BEEP! BEEP! BE
If I go to jail, my wife will get me out. She never lets me finish a sentence. 🤣🤣🤣
When you say you don't drink, everyone insists you have one. When you say you don't eat meat, everyone tries to feed you steak. But say you're broke... and suddenly no one offers anything.
Marriage tip: If your wife tries to tell you something and you don't understand her use the phrase, "Honey, I hear you, but I'm just not listening." This will cause your wife to re-iterate what she wants you to know in a more concise manner.
I don't procrastinate. I wait until it becomes urgent enough to feel important.
If people make you sick, try cooking them a little longer
Shout out to all the married folk out there waiting for their spouse to fall asleep on the couch so they can watch what they really want to.
The Internet has taught me two things: First, there are some incredibly brilliant people out there. Second, they are vastly outnumbered. 