Funny Status Messages

   I gave up smoking,I gave up drinking,I try to exercise,I try to eat right......apparently this means I will live longer but the trouble is I am boreeeeed

   A rolling stone gathers no moss, and that's the last time I hire Keith Richards to do my landscaping...

   It would be amazing if hyenas could watch a bunch of '80's films and start to employ the slow clap when being particularly derisive...

   A woman is the only thing I am afraid of that I know will not hurt me. Abraham Lincoln

   Just spent several minutes looking at photos of Gwyneth Paltrow in a bikini. Now I'm going to cure cancer...

   Don't interfere with anything in the Constitution. That must be maintained, for it is the only safeguard of our liberties. Abraham Lincoln

   People are busting my balls because I still have a landline. I can't get rid of it though because it matches my abacus....

   went to Benjamin Moore and learned that her skin color is Pueblo Sand. Which is too bad, because we're in a race war with the people who are Classic Taupe.

   don't take to heart anything I say. My opinions are just that...MY opinions. Nothing I say can be set in stone, besides I don't even own a chisel.

   Following a successful off-season surgery, Favre appears ready to return for his 20th NFL season.... lobotomies must heal fairly quickly.

   Following a successful off-season surgery, Favre appears ready to return for his 20th NFL season.... lobotomies must heal fairly quickly.

   I got so drunk last night I thought a tube of toothpaste was astronaut food.

   Some people find themselves spending more time on their ex's FB page more then they spent time on their ex period.

   I may not know karate but I do know crazy.

   An auto-flush urinal made me feel insecure about my manhood by flushing while I was peeing, as if to say "nothing registers as being there."

   not here for your sexual fantasies

   My wife said I was gaining weight....I said " Duhhhh ! " ..... I used to be 8lbs, 6 ozs

   my ex is a nob...he wears womens pants....he looks like Peter Griffin and his new girlfriend is council estate trash!....well it makes me laugh anyway!

   I love when doors automatically open for you, it makes me feel like I am a JeDi ;D

   Pretending to be a morning person is exhausting.