Funny Status Messages

   Some days I just feel like the token black guy.

   Be more concerned about your character than about your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think of you.

   wondering why Facebook bothers to give the option of "liking" my own comment? Of course I like my own comments. I'm awesome.

   You know what I like to do on Facebook? Answer my own questions.

   One thing I learned about a vacation you drive to…. my GPS has a female voice and would make the perfect wife… it sits quietly in the car, never complains about my driving, and when it has something to say - it says something useful.

   If at first you don't succeed, wait a third of your life and look him/her up on Facebook.

   I'm pretty tired of these kids running lemonade stands acting like they've never even heard of vodka before.

   I wonder how we really know that hard work never killed anybody, when the only reliable witness may be dead?

   When somebody says "I'm really bad with directions," that translates to me as "I'm too stupid to read road signs."

   I'm debating on a new career path, but can't decide if I would make a better professional thumb wrestler or butt model.

   Waitress: "Do you have any questions about the menu?" Me: " Yes, What kind of font is this?"

   Sometimes I'll text random numbers with things like "Have you ever taken a poop so good it gave you goosebumps?"

   There's no one I relate to less than my relatives.

   Sometimes I sit at a green light not because I'm not paying any attention, but because I'm curious if the car behind me has a custom horn.

   Drinking beer doesn't make you fat, It makes you lean .... against bars, tables, chairs, and poles.

   Pretty soon superheroes are going to be wearing underpants with my picture on them.

   Early map makers were mostly men, which explains why Florida was usually drawn about 3 inches longer than its actual size.

   Just got my jury duty check. Time to cash this bad boy and rock the sh*t out of the dollar store! Woooo!

   When cops do that thing where they park side by side in an empty parking lot and talk for hours, that means they're in love, right?

   I literally saw someone get a tattoo of a camel on their toe.