Funny Status Messages

   The best stuff on earth and I just got better

   Today I say a girl riding her bike, I thought to myself what is she doing shouldn't she be in the kitchen?

   I sometimes pee in the shower, and my girlfriend says that's only ok if I'm actually taking a shower.

   The point is not everyone is gonna be a millionaire.If you're happy, you're successful.

   I don't think I'll ever reach the age where I'm old enough to know better.

   Society is never going to make any progress until we all learn to pretend to like each other.

   I have a great sense of humor... --If you don't believe me, look at my Ex!

   Just left the bar. Did you guys know you can leave while you're still able to walk?!

   Whatever doesn't kill me makes me all like, "Whoa! That was close!"

   Sometimes I regret surgically removing my feet and replacing them with wheels... But not today!!! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

   That girl is such a drunk. Every time I'm at a bar she's there.

   Making mirrors look good, since 1979

   wears boxers so my ..... can breathe

   OMG !!! This Jail Cell gets free Wi-Fi !!!

   If Death hands you lemons, just eat them. Peels and all. It really doesn't matter at that point.

   Stop laughing at Ziggy. He obviously has a medical condition.

   This economy is so bad I actually saw a guy in the back of a limo hand another guy in a limo a bottle of generic yellow mustard.

   I wonder why everyone thinks I'm weird? Everyone in my head thinks I'm awesome!!! :p

   From now on, whenever my toilet gets clogged I'm going to call it a "top kill."

   dated a blind girl once. Her name was ::. :.. .:. ::: :.