Funny Status Messages

   preparing for school to start and the daily doses of Justin Bieber fever. Years ago it was Britney Spears and, yes, I wanted to hit her one more time. But with Justin...I just want to wrap a Silly Bandz around his hair to get it out of his eyes!

   That's what you get from putting a fat girl's ass in your face. That's how you get pink eye

   When something good happens You drink to celebrate. When something bad happens You drink to forget. When nothing happens You drink because you want something to happen.

   Montana Fishburne was a prostitue. Wow, a hooker AND a porn star! Or as Charlie Sheen would call her, “Perfect!”

   and then Buffy staked Edward. The end.

   Lady Gaga admitted that she does cocaine. Not really surprising news. What is surprising? She snorts it off her penis.

   Attention all teens get off facebook nd look 4 a job nd stop waitin for facebook to get you one

   My son has painted the most beautiful mural. On the side of our house. His new family will be so proud.

   amazed about how slow old people drive.That is until they see a parking spot at the mall of course.

   bathtub cleaned, condoms hid, fruit bought/displayed...bring on the parents!

   Just hanging out in Washington DC. Anybody need any government while I'm out here?

   Finally finished carving GOOGLE EARTH CAN SUCK IT into the a massive cliff. Now... we wait.

   If I get married I want it to be for all the right reasons, like needing health insurance and getting a tax break.

   Let's chug on down to Mambie-Pambie Land where we can MAYBE get you some Self-Confidence.... YOU JackWagon!!! (TISSUE??)

   Aplogizing is like "whiteout". It covers the problem, but its still there.

   My wife said that she's going to leave me. But before she does, she is going to make sure that my bank balance is $0. That's nice of her, paying off my overdraft.

   Having a favorite homeless person is weird, right?

   People learn from history... which is why you should always delete it.

   I was in the work canteen the other day and started shaking salt all over my chicken. My work colleague looked over and said, "Would you like some chicken to go with that salt?" I replied, "Would you like some laughter to go with that joke?"

   Behind every successful man is a woman. She's behind him because he's running away from the crazy b1tch as fast as he can.