Funny Status Messages

   Guess drunk? I'm what!

   "Patience" is what parents have when there are witnesses.

   Ask your doctor if "Shutting the Hell Up" is right for you.

   When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

   I never contradict myself. And if you say otherwise, I will agree with you.

   For decades now, Mario has been collecting coins. He does nothing with that money. Buy the princess a bodyguard or something.

   I thought you were maybe kinda cute until you took a call on your Bluetooth Douche Detector.

   Nothing will get a skinny white girl on the dancefloor quicker than "Baby Got Back."

   I'd like to be so rich that my dog has a dog.

   Getting blind drunk off PBR shall now be known as getting a Pabst Smear.

   You know who I hate? Vampires. They can't see their reflections, and yet their hair and makeup is always perfect.

   I never take advice, I only give it. So you can call me a hypocrite, but at least I'm not selfish.

   Are there Middle of Nowhere souvenirs? Because I've been there quite a few times but have nothing to show for it.

   Kindergarten class reunion? No way, man. Ive put on like, a hundred and fifty pounds since then.

   What a sweet lemonade stand. Your daughter is going be a wonderful bartender when she grows up.

   I think, therefore I thought.

   The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.

   planning a night he'll NEVER remember!

   in bed with your hot wife... while your at work kissin your boss's ass....

   teach you how to dougie ? how about I teach you how to pull up your pants