Funny Status Messages

   A man was looking at a painting for a long time of a naked woman with leaves covering the body, he was asked what he was doing and he answered - waiting for autumn.

   Brett Favre to retire today...IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME!!!

   Brett Favre retired today, I'm not Worried about it too much. It's kinda like when Snoop Dog quit's weed. It really means nothing."

   thinks it's wrong when you go to a strip club and the sign says "Tonight only, all you can eat crab"

   I'm thinking about making my own brand of beer and call it, "Responsibly." That way I would get free advertising from all my competitors. "Please drink Responsibly."

   Brett Favre retired today from the Minnesota Vikings of the National Football League... In other news, the Sun rose in the east this morning...

   You wouldn't believe how much time it's taken for me to send this Facebook Status update from a payphone.

   What an awesome Springer quote: "You're the crazy one! You chase me with a hammer and yell all the time, the whole trailer park knows."

   Having one child makes you a parent. Having two makes you a referee.

   I ask Google all the questions I'm too embarrassed to ask other people.

   You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

   Does anyone else mutter "righty tighty and lefty loosey" when tightening or unscrewing anything?

   not sure why I should care that Favre is saying he is finally going to retire. Really? Isn't like the 15 millionth time he's said as much? Hey Brett! Ever heard of the story about the boy who cried wolf?

   Bathroom wall: Can I get a witness? Written below: I don't know. Are you going to do anything worth watching?

   Each day is like a gift. A gift from someone who doesn't know your size and doesn't bother to include the receipt.

   Wearing pajamas and a robe. I feel like Hugh Hefner, minus everything.

   “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have” I told my staff while standing naked smoking a bong waiting for money from the government.

   Every time I clean up I feel as if I am depriving archaeologists of clues to my daily life.

   When sitting directly across from someone also using a laptop, I can't stop myself from telling them, "you sunk my battleship!"

   What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?