Funny Status Messages

   I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

   I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

   Computers are so advanced that they are almost human; well, except for the fact that they don't blame their mistakes on other computers.

   All I want is to find a cool person to hang out with until I drop dead. Not a lot to ask.

   Why can we develop silencers for handguns but not vacuums?

   Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

   I may have been born without the "wait, you shouldn't do that!" gene.

   Facebook has allowed me to bring my "He's a distraction to the rest of the class" from grade school to a global scale.

   "I'm for abolishing and doing away with redundancy." -- J.C. McKay

   You know what's awesome about working out? Not a damn thing.

   I was just about to say "we're all adults here" in a status update and then I came to my senses.

   It should be illegal to have humility as awesome as mine is.

   I love you all so much right now because, well, alcohol.

   Facebook — where you always have something better to do, but don't.

   Whoever is in charge of making sure I don't do dumb stuff is fired.

   Facebook should give a breathalyzer test before you can sign in.

   I don't care if it's rude to stare, you are hot, so I will stare.

   "Do Not Operate Heavy Machinery or use Facebook while under the influence of medication"

   Ladies If it takes you more than a hour to get ready, then you ain't as cute as you think you are

   - I've had so many f**king blind dates recently....I should be eligible to a free dog...