Funny Status Messages

   While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

   Patience is not one of my virtues. Hell, what am I talking about? Virtue is not one of my virtues.

   All I want is some ketchup packets placed in the bag, without having to ask!

   $100 says I don't have a gambling problem.

   You never learn anything by doing it right.

   Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.

   The best part of waking up . . . is going back to sleep.

   I wish bugs understood the concept of personal space.

   My friend told me they wouldn't mind trying human meat if the opportunity presented itself. Soooo, Guess who I'm not hanging out with anymore...

   turns out "im fine" is girl speak for "im not fine"

   I have spend years pefecting the art of walking around my house in the dark. Now what I wanna know, is who the hell put that f*cking stool in the middle of the damn living room?!

   What would I do for a Klondike Bar? Probably pay retail price... That's where I draw the line... and even then it's iffy.

   sweating like a cat in an Asian deli.

   Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.

   I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

   The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

   If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

   If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you lack sufficient imagination.

   Anybody can make a mistake. It takes real dedication to make all of them.

   Life is like a doughnut. You're either in the dough or in the hole.