Funny Status Messages

   Don't teach your children the value of a dollar because if they find out , they'll ask for two.

   I was going to watch the new Jersey Shore season but decided it would be easier on my eyes to just pull them out of their sockets with a pair of pliers.

   Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.

   hey girls! if you're boyfriend sparkles and doesn't want to have sex with you, he's not a vampire. He's gay!

   I love sleep so much that its the first thing I think about when I wake up....

   There is nothing worse in the World than sitting on the toilet and getting splash back.

   Constipation is like teenage love: can't sleep, can't eat, and it hurts when it leaves you.

   Doing my weekly Anti-virus scan, my laptop is a slut.

   Stumbled into bed late last night. "You're drunk," she said. "Also, you live next door."

   I'd tell you what I'm doing but I've learned from other evil villains not to announce my plans first.

   Won't go back in my bathroom until spider is gone! Web search for "spider life span" reveals I will be able to shower again in 1 to 2 years.

   It saddens me to think there are people in the world who don't pretend to paddle a canoe while on the moving walkways in airports.

   No, really, I can't afford to be hungover tomorrow. I mean, unless you're buying, of course.

   When I start to trip and fall, I just turn it into a dance. "Sorry, can't control the funk."

   A man sitting in church writes a note to his wife: "I just let out a silent fart. What should I do?"...She writes back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

   You know you're a redneck when you go to Walmart and take pictures of yourself.

   Wanna have some fun? Ask a really stoned person to say the word indubitably.

   I can finally sympathize with women after I had to make a CVS trip at 2 am because my XBOX controller ran out of batteries.

   The funny thing is, you can't tell if I'm naked...

   My grandmother just asked me why I don't have any photos on Facebook. Well, at least I know my privacy settings are working properly.