Funny Status Messages

   it just me or is Ed Hardy and Affliction in an all out war with each other to make the douchiest t-shirt possible. These things are like 95% rhinestones and glitter, these shirts scream I touch myself when I watch Brokeback Mountain.

   As time passes you realize who really matters, who never did, and who always will. Love what you've got. And remember what you had. People change, things go wrong but life goes on

   The witch in Hansel and Gretel, she's very misunderstood. I mean, the woman builds her dream house, and these brats come along, and start eating it.

   when your sitting at redlight, surrounded by people. Do you toss your McD's bag, old paper work and junk mail out the window? No?..then why the hell do you flick your half smoked cig out, like its acceptable behavior?! You jagoffs!!

   ‎9 out of 10 people believe that out of 10 people 1 will disagree with the other 9

   I thought the show was called "Blue's Clues", not "Weird White Dude With A Bowl Cut Hogging Up The TV".

   what's the point in knocking when you can just text someone that you're outside their house.

   microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes

   a certain sign of who will wear the pants suit in your marriage is when the wedding reception has a Vegan menu and a gluten-free cake!

   Just saw a commerical for the snuggie, I thought it was a stupid idea but I couldnt change the channel because my arms would get cold

   How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

   has performed extensive experiments in the shed and can scientifically conclude that a cat has only one life.

   whats the second quickest thing in the world? Your butthole closing after letting go of a turd.

   Whats the first? That little drop of water that makes it back up in there before you can squeeze it shut.

   spotted a few cornballs on his friends list...

   Today's status is brought to you by the letters T G I F...

   I wish it sounded less gay when I said at last nights BBQ that "i'm craving a wiener." oh well, live and learn.

   If the world really was going to end in 2012, the bankers would find some way to "stall" it....they ain't going to let people get away with not paying their 25 year mortgages.

   wonders how people who work in BubbleWrap factories get ANY work done at all.

   I drink to make other people interesting...