Funny Status Messages

   adopted a white dog the other day and named him Stains. Now I can yell "Come Stains, Come Stains" out my front door!

   won't break your heart, but I will stunt your growth and limit your potential.

   has discovered that people will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.

   I can help you with your despair. You tie the rope and I'll kick the fu*king chair!

   Meet me in the corn feild Honey, and I'll kiss you between the ears.

   A lion would never cheat on his wife, but a tiger wood.

   They say you can lure more flies with honey than vinegar.... I guess, "a dead turtle" just doesn't have the same ring to it.

   Turning the music up does NOT cover up a fart... No matter what song is on!

   I know I'm not the sharpest knife in the crayon box.

   Finds that the best place to pick up women is at the Immigration Office.

   walking on sunshine...and it kinda burns

   if I wanted any lip from you, i'd rattle my zipper..

   i am always right, never wrong, one time I thought I was wrong, but I was wrong...

   Should I say Thank You when someone tell me *You look good TODAY!!!*?

   I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

   Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

   You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.

   If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!

   he really wants to control the television remotely but is unable to locate the device that fulfills that desire.

   You know you're in the ghetto when the liquor stores have posters of Tanqueray, Black & Milds, and signs for a 2 piece chicken dinner special in the window.