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Getting old is tricky. I stepped on a golf ball in the dark and I did some parkour trying not to fall down. 
Y'all don't use paper plates. I'd use a paper pot if I could. F them dishes
I will restart the entire song if you breathe too loud over my favorite part
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Feels like an extrovert stuck in an introvert body
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Worried about rising gas prices? Taco Bell and White Castle sell gas for less than $2.
Eli's coming, hide your hocker, Eli's coming, hide your hocker.
Marriage is very simple. The husband is king of the house and the wife obeys his every command.
going to grasp you around you head and blow you. Dandelions are so much fun
Ends? You call that lunch?
You put your face in it and no more zits.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots? Me neither.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Question...Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Dental appointment tomorrow... Before going, I like to eat taffy, oreos, & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
According to a new study, millennials are waiting longer to have sex. Because, unlike my generation, they have to watch a 30-second ad first.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
I would just like to take a minute to give a big shout-out to the inventor of croutons. Who knew you could take stale bread and make so many different flavors. Recycling before recycling was cool! 