Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it. 
“I just called to say I love you.” -Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say: “You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
The 5 O'clock news. AKA let's see what the ηiqqers did now.
If we have zero percent inflation, why do we need an Inflation Reduction Act?
I prefer 11,000 Keystone XL pipeline workers over 87,000 new IRS agents.
A penny found is worth more than a penny earned, because a penny earned is taxed.
People that get, “the most votes in history” don’t raid their opponent’s homes. But election stealers do.
The only adult knowledge that a third grader needs to know, is that girls/boys have cooties.
They got that $1,200. $600. And $1,400. Back in gas, food and rent.
It’s gonna be hilarious when the people who thought that Biden was going to forgive their student loans realize that he gave them a tax increase instead.
If you happen to see an FBI agent wearing one of Melania’s dresses, post a photo of him.
When you bury a body, cover it with endangered plants, that way it’s illegal to dig it up. Follow me for more gardening tips.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor? Everyone… 