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If you have ever sat on the toilet at work and wondered how long you can sit there before someone searches for you, the answer is 47 minutes. 
Not that I expect 100% truth in advertising, but shouldn’t those women in the tampon commercials be wielding chainsaws, laying asphalt, or driving semi trucks and not laughing, swimming and dancing?
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..” You mean like NOW?
The dating pool nowadays could use a little chlorine.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Need money to travel back to 1941 to give Joe Bidens dad a condom.
With high gas prices don't forget to tip your food delivery drivers paying for their own gas or go get it yourself.
Him: you are my drug. Her: aww… you can’t live without me? Him: No, you’re expensive and you ruin my life.
Some girls will claim “he’s my world,” but that’s your fourth “world” this month. Are you building a solar system?
When you try to swallow a pill, but it doesn’t go down and now it’s dissolving in your mouth.
When you pull up a power point presentation to show your cat how fat it is.
Me: At the cookout, asking everyone how they like their burger, before making them all exactly the same.
Son: “Dad, there’s a monster in my room, can I sleep in here?” Dad: Look, it’s you he’s after, why make it my problem too.
My wife was sad, so I showed her my boobs. Apparently, that doesn’t work both ways.
Martian: “Take us to your leader.” Me: No! You wouldn’t believe it.
The word is “butter,” go spread the word.
If you ever need someone to look like a complete idiot in your photographs, I'm your guy.
I like to put Aunt Jemima next to the Uncle Ben in my pantry. I'm hoping for a love connection.
I have an open marriage in the sense that I'm allowed to open my mouth as long as I don't say anything stupid
Trying to intentionally lose a game of Rock Paper Scissors is just as difficult as trying to win. 