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Everything hits different when you’re not supposed to be doing it. 
Lumber shortage, worker shortage, gas shortage, rubber shortage… You know what we don’t have a shortage of right now? Idiots.
My girlfriend just told me to not let her buy anything at the mall, which is kind of like when a werewolf asks you to chain them to a tree on the night of a full moon.
Al Capone did less damage to Chicago than Lori Lightfoot.
Do you remember Jan. 6th last year? Yeah, 2.19 a gallon.
Generic Viagra. Same medicine at a lower price. No bones about it.
Was stung by a bee, guess what happened? That’s right, a Welp.
4 o’clock and all is Welp.
We see that it's the same person that posted 20 post I a row andpost and liked it 5 times in a row and like everyone they posted 5 times just to get a like..
NOTHING PERSONAL, BUT IF I SEE SOMEONE WEARING A WWE WRESTLING SHIRT, I AUTOMATICALLY DEDUCT 50 IQ POINTS .
An old-fashioned candy necklace, but with tums and ibuprofen.
Regular unleaded: Willie Nelson, Plus unleaded: Snoop Dog, Supreme unleaded: Hunter Biden
Her: He’s probably thinking about other girls. Him: Ahhhhh…French Vanilla Rocky Road! Chocolate, Peanut Butter, Cookie Dough! Scoop, there it is! Scoop, there it is! Scoop, there it is! Annnnnnnd…. SPRINKLES!
Dog 1 to dog 2: “Once in a while, pretend like you hear something they don’t…. it drives them crazy!”
When you click “accept cookies” but then you don’t get any cookies.
It took you 15 minutes to get home, google maps says it takes 12. Who is she?
Yeah drugs are cool, but have you ever had ice water at 2:00am?
It’s nice outside, I think I’ll go sit on the patio. (1207 mosquitos like this)
When you find out he can cook, has correct grammar and runs a meme page. (next thing I knew, I was pregnant)
It’s okay to be sad after making the right decision. 