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Fred Flintstone: Hey, was that an insult? Gazoo: Well, if the shoe fits... Barney Rubble: What's a shoe? 
I'm surprised McAfee & Norton didn't get a piece of the vaccine action.
Interesting Fact: Tuesday Weld was not named after the second day of the week. Because if she was, her name would be "Monday Weld."
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
I still giggle when I get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as I am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’ ~dogs in therapy
I came up with a new drinking game. Watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and every time Goofy says “Gorsh!” take a swig. I give it five minutes before you black out.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Some random number just texted me thinking he was texting his manager saying that he was gonna be a few minutes late today. So I just gave him the day off.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 10 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
I’m trying to teach our self cleaning oven how to do the rest of the house.
They don't need to microchip you. You're literally holding a tracking device right now.
Masturbat¡on is like s€x, but without the smells and major clean-up. 