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When I was born they were probably like “He’ll stop crying soon” yet here I am 
The older I get the more companies are making the lids on jars tighter.
QAnon Shaman? More like QAnon Virgin.
As a sign of respect, I will now be ending all me sentences with the word "Jack". Good for me, Jack!
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
OK. Who is the genius who decided to call it an internet girlfriend and not eBae?
I’m at the age where, whenever I think of my age, I think, “I should go lie down.”
They should make an alarm clock that plays the sound of my dog about to throw up.
Calories? I think you mean delicious points!
"The sum of the carrots are inversely proportional to the squared exponent of the cabbage divided by the vinegar and multiplied by the mayonnaise." ~Cole's Law
My brain is like a greenhouse, it has a terrible groundskeeper.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three. –me on house hunters
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
How do you delete Facebook? I’m not talking about my account I mean the entire thing.
Kisses are like real estate …. Location Location Location
Believe in yourselves and follow your hearts and you could do and be anyone you want to be, except Keith Richards.
China claims covid came from an old bat, but Pelosi denies being involved.
I'm not sure who needs to hear this but Walmart sells Father's Day cards in packs of five. 