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Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now. 
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?” Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Helium addiction is horrible because no one takes your cries for help seriously.
The best thing about wanting a chameleon as a pet is that you may already have one.
“Hey, smell this.” -Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
If tomatoes are considered fruits, isn’t ketchup a smoothie?
Silly sane people...bags are for gas.
I don't want the vaccine but I'll get mad if it's given to others in need, because Jesus taught us that helping other people in need is stupid.
Waitress: ‘Do you have any questions about the menu?’ Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Overheard: “Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
I feel so stupid for cashing in my retirement account early. But then again, I always feel stupid using the Coinstar machine.
The news just broadcast that 2 actors I've never heard of are getting a divorce and I was sad...that $#@% like that qualifies as news.
The more I learn about people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals aboard the ark.
Columbia House called, You still have to buy 4 LP’s at regular price.
As we get older, The closer you are to the toilet, the harder it is to hold it in.
In what world does a box of Kraft macaroni and cheese serve 4 people?
Why do we close our eyes when we pray, cry, kiss or dream? Because the most beautiful things in life are not seen but felt by the heart. 