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Every family has an old beach towel with a cartoon character on it and nobody knows where it came from 
If you use two or more sugars in your coffee I’m pretty sure you don’t like coffee
It's about time we, as a sophisticated society, start getting birds to wear diapers.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Microwave: Here's a piping hot Tupperware of cold food
Nomadland won the Oscar for Best Picture. Was this an actual movie or a description of movie theaters in 2020?
Just because you haven’t met the right person doesn’t mean that you will.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college. Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be. Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
Do you think baby teddy bears sleep with stuffed people
So I guess with the pandemic raging in India, the scammers will either have to work from home or cough their way through the IRS scam script
The police came by to tell me that my dogs have been chasing people on bicycles. I said, “My dogs don’t even own bicycles!”
I always wondered if songbirds get mad at hummingbirds for not knowing the lyrics...
I don’t need the body of a 20 yr old. I would take their bladder though.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
why is it called hoarding and not stock home syndrome?
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out 