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fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss 
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Starting to think my job only wants me for my labor
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Youth Soccer: $75 to watch your kid pick dandelions.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Just because you are vaccinated doesn’t mean you can now wear Axe Body Spray.
can whoever turned off the bermuda triangle please turn it back on again thanks
The receipts are out. How can Gaetz be this dumb?
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
PRO TIP: Not resisting arrest greatly reduces your chances of being sh●t by 100%.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
The Sopranos would've been better without Carmela, Carmela's parents, Meadow, Meadow's friends and Jean Cusamano.
It's scary when the weatherman is the closest one on the news now to telling the truth now.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4. 