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Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something. 
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
The only Marx I want to hear about is Groucho
If the vaccine contains a chip, I hope it’s salt and vinegar.
When the economy is bad biscuit companies don't complain, they just remove one piece
I got the Johnson & Johnson vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Today's Jeopardy Category "Inspirational Presidential Quotes".. UGH..UGH.. YOU KNOW MAN...THE THING!
Just occurred to me that because my BMI permits me to get the vaccine tomorrow, and because the vaccination will enable me to protect myself and others, my thick thighs will in fact save lives.
I know the Royal family said they would deal with the allegations of racism, but personally, I think this is a bit drastic.
In honor of DMX, I encourage everyone to bark loudly at a random stranger.
Are they still bad habits if I like them?
OK. Who is the genius that decided to call it "emotional baggage" and not "griefcase"?
They're called "Heated Seats" because "Rear Defroster" was already taken.
Got up early this morning, and fertilized the yard. My neighbor still won't look me in the eye.
can’t wait to put “fully vaccinated” on my dating profiles like an adoptable dog.
WARNING: If you see a link that tells you to, "Click For Free Nickelback Tickets!", Do not click!! I repeat, DO NOT CLICK!!!! It directs you to a link that will actually give you free Nickelback tickets!!!!
Why does Matt Gaetz hate rush hour on the highway? Because he prefers minor traffic.
Filipinos: The Mexicans of the Asian Race
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
What did I learn today? Never use a dentist with a huge inflatable molar on his roof. 