Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
*feeling chest pain* probably need more pie 
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
I vote for Chinx getting the vaccine last.
Mrs. Claus: *opens door* you’ve been in here working on the naughty list all day Santa Claus: *fumbling to close his internet browser* I need PRIVACY please
Don't drink and wrap presents. Also, if anyone gets a remote control for Christmas, I'm going to need that back...
wow, already December? Time flies when you've been drunk since March
Which wine pairs best with Spicy chicken Ramen ?
All I want for Christmas is a stimulus check.
Official quote of 2020 ... "YOU'RE ON MUTE !!"
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
In other news...the Seven Dwarfs have been advised that they can only meet in groups of six. One of them isn't Happy.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
its okay Christmas Tree. My lights don't come on either.
Last week, I tried to kill a spider with an entire can of cheap hairspray. No luck. It now smokes two packs a day, wears blue eye shadow, joined a bowling league and calls itself "Brenda."
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
Do any of you - when you're in bed at night - pluck out your pubes and hold them up to the phone light then toss them on the floor?
Dropping my cheeseburger on the ground before I eat it is about as organic as I get
I'm going to my girlfriend's house to make mad, passionate love to her. Then have her fix us something to eat. That's what's meant by bed and breakfast, right?
Going outside to vacuum the driveway. I do this every so often... just to ensure the neighbors never talk to me... 