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No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler. 
I’m not a violent person, but I’d happily throat punch the person that decided baby clothes needed a minimum of 20 buttons.
Nothing disturbs me more than the glorification of stupidity.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
If I ever got the chance to name a Road, I'd call it 'Skin Road' Just so I could laugh at the people at number 4.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
I think the wife has started to show signs of Alzheimers. She said she can't remember what she ever saw in me !
Who else feels like prank calling the voter's fraud hotline?
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
DON’T CLICK on the quiz titled “What kind of plumbing device prevents the unwanted flow of liquid or gas?” It’s a trap!
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
I'm not an alcoholic I'm just always down to drink. Huge difference 😭
The hardest part of Hypochondriacs Anonymous is admitting you don't have a problem.
If you don't make it in Hip Hop, there's always IHOP.
If Clifford the Big Red Dog was a cat, we'd all be dead.
I run into more potential dates at thrift stores, yard sales and estate sales than I do at the bar. In a way it kinda makes sense. I'm like a used piece of furniture from the past. I've been used but I'm still good as new.
Saw the fattest Dalmation ever on my way home from the supermarket yesterday. It was huge & had these teats that were almost touching the ground & it made a weird bark, like "moo"
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal? Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Adding a few Barbie limbs to the dead bugs in a porchlight is a fun way to tell guests they should’ve left before dark. 