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Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison. 
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed. Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here? Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe? optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them. WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
The next person to take my status seriously is getting $500
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
THIS IS A TEST OF THE EMERGENCY ALERT SYSTEM I’m out of beer.
BROWNS BEAT the cowgirls.. we are back
Man claims his body only fights viruses on Saturdays and Sundays. His doctors say he has a weekend immune system.
My girlfriend told me I snored like a gorilla last night. I told her it’s because I suffer from sleep ape•nea.
The MSM claims national polls have Biden ahead by 14 points. By "national", they mean New York City, Chicago, Philadelphia, Los Angeles and cemeteries.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Times are tough so once again I will be selling nude photos of myself. $5 to get one. $25 to get none...
Eggs Benedict should always be served in a hubcap. There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents. What level of hell is this?
I try my best to be a thoughtful husband. So, I surprised my wife with a new bag and belt for her birthday! The Hoover sure works great now.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack. 