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Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you Nancy. 
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
You are going to die, there’s no question about it. The question is, are you going to live. Because, half of the people in this world are not living.
I accidentally swallowed
a bunch of Scrabble tiles.
My next trip to the bathroom
could spell disaster.
I can’t wait for Halloween. I have been practicing all year.
If you can't afford to tip your food delivery drivers working in the pandemic maybe you should try to save some money by eating at home.
Since we've all been out of work "Labor Day" and another chance to spread the Coronavirus have been cancelled.
Bite me. Football starts next week and I'm watching it. 🐬
The entire US government defrauds the country on a daily basis, yet there are people who freak out if they're sent a fake profile.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW] Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
Life is like a helicopter. I don't know how to fly a helicopter.
The police got in a foot chase with a computer hacker. They didn’t catch him. He just ransomware.
Y'all thought the summer was wild wait til everybody walking around with a hoodie and mask 😅 and it's dark at 5pm
After scrolling social media, I wish COVID-19 was a computer virus that took out the worlds internet. It’d be a better world.
Covering a beard with a face mask looks like a lady’s underwear commercial from 1972
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
Covid spelled backwards is divoc... As in where divoc is my beer? 