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Someone threw a jar of mayo at me...I was like, "what the Hellmann"? 
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Dear Baseball, Six innings is plenty.
Does anyone know if Santa will be sending out a progress report?
I think I am going to get a Dr's lab coat and post a video on how to treat Covid with my credentials being "A bunch of my family are Dr's, so that makes me qualified".
What's longer: a microwave minute or a treadmill minute?
Wanting to watch OANN for the truth is like eating donuts for weight loss.
A cashless society was predicted in the Bible. It was written in the Book of Visa.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
I don't go to the mailbox because that's where the Responsibility Monster lives.
I successfully said "Worcestershire sauce" today!
I'm thinking of opening up a restaurant called "meatballs and tea" and have billboards on the highway advertising it with the slogan "even if you don't like our balls, you can still come in for a tea bag"
The coin shortage didn't work. Go ahead and mail the mystery seeds.
So in retrospect, in 2015, no one got the answer right to the question, "Where do you see yourself in 2020?"
I've heard a lot about Karen lately but what about Felicia. Did she finally leave?
Her: What sign are you most compatible with?
Me: Krispy Kreme's hot and ready sign.
Of course Ellen DeGeneres is being taken to task for being a c**t. All Iesbians are. 