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So this smoke detector is trying to tell me the battery is so dangerously low that it can only beep 4000 times? 
Just saw a fat dude lick pizza grease off his shirt so that's the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
I imagine a two year old having a temper tantrum as being the next statue erected honoring all those brave men and women who refuse to wear a mask.
So Wal-mart is making all customers wear masks now. Next thing you know, we'll have to wear pants too!
Calm down! Walmart is just asking you to wear a mask and you can still wear your pajamas and leave your bras and teeth at home.
Why is that whenever the doorbell rings my dogs always think it is for them?
Here's a freebie Earthlings: treat Covid-19 as you would canine parvovirus.
2 + 2 = 46,783 -the CDC counting covid19 cases
They need to change all of the street signs on my street. It seems that stop, yield and speed limits have no effect. They should change them to “safe Drivers save 40%
For some reason, I always thought Elijah Cummings and John Lewis were the same guy. ☻
The difference between Andrew Cuomo and Osama Bin Laden is Cuomo kiIIed more New Yorkers.
ur mom gay
No, things are not getting worse. They are just getting more obvious.
Not saying I have the biggest nose in the world but my mask is a D cup
Joe Biden looks like he smells like pee.
They said wearing a mask keeps you from touching your face… I need one for my d*ck.
If TuPac and Biggie were still alive Kanye would be folding T-Shirts at the Gap right about now.
They don't seem to be tearing down MLK statues.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me. 