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You can eat gluten-free, organic food without telling everyone at your table. 
Being an adult is like being a Quentin Tarantino movie: it starts out real cool, there's lots of cursing, it's very confusing, everyone dies
Just so we're on the same page, I'm on 136.
Look low in the northwest sky around 9:45 p.m for the next few days for the NEOWISE asteroid you won't want to miss as it will be a once-in-a-lifetime event!! just like the last several asteroids that flew by.
We're living in a real life DC Universe where The Joker pardoned The Penguin.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Saying "All Lives Matter" is like when your house catches fire and the 911 operator says "All Houses Matter".
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Like a Drifter I Walk Alone.
By Whitesnake....and the CDC
My wife said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on... I just don't get women.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
I fell in love with a female electrician. …She was a real live wire and I took her ohm with me.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
Live life on your own terms. I certainly do. The terms were 0% down and a dollar a month in perpetuity. I'm only hoping I have some perp left in my tuity.
Wayfair is awesome. Not only will I save space with my new Springboro storage cabinet, I'll also qualify for an additional child tax credit next year.
This generation is guilty
of making the wrong people
rich and famous.
Hate is too powerful an emotion
to waste on somebody
you don't even like. 