aaron Funny Status Messages

   "Sir, could you please step out of the vehicle?" "I'm too drunk, Officer. You get in."

   Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, "To my sandwich!"

   Tattoos are like cats. You get one, then you have to get another, then you get more and more until you have to get rid of them using lasers.

   Life can take you anywhere. And here we are.

   I am tormented at night by the idea that everything funny has been said

   Found a cigarette butt next to the mousetrap in my room. Like he sat there and thought about it.

   I only take half a vitamin because I haven't decided if I wanna live forever.

   At a four way stop, it's obvious that the vehicle bearing the most duct tape goes first.

   If the scientists REALLY want to know how the dinosaurs died, they can just ask the guy driving in front of me.

   People use the term "awkward conversation" like there's any other kind.

   I'm going to get "Poor Decision Maker" tattooed on my face.

   Told the 7-11 clerk if I win on this lotto scratcher, I'd share. Now here I stand, $2 richer, trying to explain to him I lied.

   Definition of anxiety: half of the time you're worried about the other half of the time.

   Do you know who has a bad sense of direction? This guy. =======>

   "Tickets." — me (when other people get on the elevator)

   The two most common elements in the world are hydrogen and stupidity.

   Grandpa died from a vaigra overdose, and I still regret not burying him just a few inches deeper.

   If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills, with a rubber band around it...... I found the rubber band.

   All you need is WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.

   If you throw a baseball and hit the Target logo the store drops into a tank of water.