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Remember when scientists said that smoking weed made your sperm lazy? And we wonder why we cant get our kids off the couch or out from in front of the X-box. 
With the current "obese" status of our nation, today should be called #FatterTuesday...
APPY MARDI GRAS! May your every slice of King cake have a little bitty baby in it, may your good times roll and may your parade be never ending. Now where are my beads???
For Mardi Gras i'm giving up beads.
jus submitted my mo ped for a pimp my ride episode..tassles on my handlebars would be AWESOME
Parents: Where are you going at this time of the night all dressed up like a slut? Daughter: To the bathroom, I need a new Facebook picture.
"What's the point of winning all these golden covered Grammys if there isn't chocolate in the middle?" - Adele
I'm getting physical therapy for my back. I bet Spider-Man never has to get physical therapy for his back. I hate not being Spider-Man. :(
What's dangerous and eats nuts? Syphilis.
Most people hide their sexual demons; I harness mine and take them out for a ride.
The only time I wear a suit is for sad occasions, like weddings and funerals.
I've decided to nickname my fridge 'Facebook'. Because even if I know there's nothing there, I still check it every time I go into the room.
Just changed my FB to "in a relationship with vodka which gets complicated after downing shots of tequila
has found that when my son says "the other day", it can mean any time up to a year ago.
Drunkenness neither keeps a secret, nor observes a promise.
Sex: It might be good exercise, but that's not why we do it!
Why do they keep records of people who died due to alcohol, but not the records of people who were born thanks to it?
When people ask me for advice, I tell them, “Use your best judgment,” which they clearly don't have if they are asking me for advice.
HEIGHT OF INNOCENCE: Girl applying medicine to her nipples thinking they are pimples.
Today is Fat Tuesday, and of course, this being America, it will be followed by Even Fatter Wednesday, Obese Thursday and Fat-A$$ Friday. 