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“So you think that money is the root of all evil. Have you ever asked what is the root of all money? 
Ever notice cops never say "Thanks for speeding and keeping us employed"? How rude. We do our part to keep jobs in America and they can't even say thanks. ;)
Why does a squirrle swim on its back? To keep its nuts dry...
Heard they have a new Michael Jackson video game out.....I bet the Pedophiles are gonna love this.
Girls: If a guy wants you for your breasts, legs, and thighs, send him to KFC. You're a lady, not a cheap value meal.
It is important to be thankful for little things in life. Like the fact that the world doesn't make a strange creaking noise when it rotates on its axis.
A smart person realizes how stupid everyone else is and gets depressed. A very smart person realizes how stupid everyone else is and gets rich.
I almost talked my way out of a ticket today by telling a female cop she was very attractive...but things went sour when I said "and that's not just the booze talking either".
Lazy rule number 42: If it isn't on the first page of Google, it doesn't exist.
Dreams are just fanfictions of your life written by your brain.
As soon as I figure out who drank my 2 cases of beer, I'm gonna try to figure out why I'm so drunk.
Take this status and shove it straight up your ass. Your head needs some company.
Don't understand why everyone is so excited about "breaking wind". Everytime I break wind people just run away!!
Every time a Christmas tree is lit before Thanksgiving, an elf drowns a baby reindeer.
Some people look at a mousetrap and just see a trap for a mouse. Some of us look and see free cheese and a challenge.
I accidentally took my girlfriends birth control pills..... As soon as I'm done crying I'm gonna B*TCH you out....... Oh....... I love you! ♥
Teens: being tired is one of your personality traits.
Just poured a packet of Jello powder in the fishbowl while my fish was asleep. PUNK'D!
Clitoris is such a beautiful elegant word. I'm just a guy with a ballsack.
The super power I want is to make anyone sh!t themselves anytime... no matter who or where you are... 