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Watching your ex down grade, Oh what a lovely feeling. 
Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? “Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel.”
How did the American Cross the Road? A Cop dragged her there by the hair
So I hear Sandusky's Santa application has been rejected...
One time I was in a car giving directions to a gay driver. Things got awkward when I told him to go straight.
NOT ONE of the mannequins at Victoria Secret has an anatomically correct back passage.
admit it . . . you can't say "go on" without using a british accent . . .
Once you go black you never go back..... Wait thats not right its...... Once you go black you want your test results back..... Or was it ... Once you go black your babys' on crack ... no no actually it was ... Once you go black you want your dignity back
just read where Ashton Kutcher is divorcing from his grandmother, how will I ever sleep a sound sleep tonight?
I got the Moo-oo-ooves Like J. Edgar
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer, and my alarm clock is the police
I'm white. But I'm not NASCAR fan white.
Now remember kids, if anyone ever offers you drugs, say 'Thank you', cause drugs are expensive.
if I have to hear anymore about Twilight, I'm going to thrust a stake through my own heart...
I'm black, but I'm not ,24 inch rims, black
How can my kids rule at playing Tetris, then do such a crappy job at loading the dishwasher?
I'm gonna try setting up Occupy Wall Street signs at the local theater in hopes that police will arrest all the Twilight nuts camping out...
twinkle twinkle little snitch...mind your own business you nosey b!tch
no I don't mind telling you how to go to hell: take a right on kiss my a$$ lane, go straight on f**k off way, then pull in and park at the intersection on bite me road and go f**k yourself avenue
Now I know why people are looking for intelligent life on other planets! They've given up on this one!! 