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I bet Sandusky is having issues sleeping, maybe he should call Dr Conrad Murray. 
I'm only rude when I have to be. And when the situation calls for it. And when I'm hungry. And when you're hungry. And when the weather is nice. Sometimes when it's raining. Other times when it's not raining. Always on Mondays, Wednesdays & Fridays and...
My Best Relationship Advice: Make Sure You're the Crazy One...
Man get of the couch and do something with your life. Christ even eggs get laid!
Some dude told me that there is no resolution to war. The only way to settle conflicts is through verbal debate. After an hour of "verbally debating" the issue, I punched him in the face and swiftly brought resolution to the matter.
Just overheard two foodies debating the best way to make Thanksgiving gravy. It was like my ears were being waterboarded.
My thoughts are strangers with rides and I keep getting in.
Not sure why there isn't a Williams sister sitting on my face right now.
Los Angeles hasn't changed me. I still put on leather pants one leg at a time.
The best thing about an ultrasound photo is you can tag any guy you've had sex with in it and he'll think you're pregnant & that's his baby.
Now taking holiday orders for my homemade body butter. Please sign the release form stating that you are not allergic to Krazy Glue.
My tweets have been squeaky clean today. Like a French woman's cute little petunia after a visit to the bidet!
what we mean and mean what we say.. Honesty is the only way!
Do you know why Californians love Thanksgiving Day?...It's the only time of year they get to see natural breast!
If you cant take care of a baby, than dont have a baby..
STARTING a new company, "Skydiving For Pedophiles." Participants must pay in advance. Cash only.
Midget: *walks into library* exuse me,do you have any books on irony? librarian: its on the top shelf!.....
There's a styling salon down my street called "Blow Bar," and needless to say, I walked in excited thinking it was something else.
Dear Climate, Although we're practically 2/3 of the way through Autumn, the predicted high temps for Orlando today are in the mid 80s. Could you do me a small favor and go f**k yourself?
I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were NOT the correct answers. 