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Friends are like bananas. If you peel back their skin, and eat them, they wil die. 
Sometimes, when you're having a sh!tty day and you're really stressed out, all it takes is something small, like stubbing your toe, having your printer malfunction, or losing your scissors, to make you break down in tears and lose all hope.
Accidentally mixed my I can't believe it's not butter with my real butter. Now I don't know what to believe..
When the salesman told me my new 4G smart phone was SUPER fast I didn't know me meant the battery.
My first childhood memory was of a hummingbird dive bombing my stroller to steal the apple juice out of my sippy cup .
Tomorrow is the 1 day that dyslexics will b able to get a date right. :-B
Someday someone will walk into your life and make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else.
Its stupid when someone texts you first and they never reply after you text them back..
Dear anyone who can finish an eraser, chapstick, and a pencil, without losing it: You're my idol!
I remember when I was a kid I went on the computer just to use paint. :)
I don't have a drinking problem. I have a stopping problem.
Sometimes when I cut my toenails, I leave them all over the floor just in case ants need to use them as swords when they are at war.
11/11/11....my calendar is speaking to me in binary
Pirate pick up line 101: "I love your eye-patch and how it brings out your other eye."
rick Perry...texas has a Republicam Governor running for president that seems like an idiot...this sounds familiar lol
if you are down & need a friend, call me...if you need to borrow money, the number you have dialed is no longer in service
"Police! Open the door!" ... "Will you promise not to get mad?"
So you call yourself an adult but I bet you can't sleep with the closet door open just a little bit because you think someone might be looking at you like the boogieman.
I failed my drivers test, they asked what should I do when I see a red light & I said, check my BBM
Freedom is never free...Happy Veterans Day!!!! 