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A fauxhawk is a good way of letting people know they can beat you in a fight. 
Why do firetrucks often accompany ambulances to a call? I'd be like "I'm not on fire; I just can't feel my legs! Chillax!"
"Do you agree to our Terms and Conditions?" - The question that will someday come back to haunt us all.
Conrad Murray is guilty?!? In other surprising news, Kim Kardashian is getting divorced, Casey Anthony killed her daughter and Justin Beiber will never be anyones father because he is, in fact, a girl...
if I was making $150,000 a month, I sure as h-ell wouldn't kill the man who pays me..
These ‘energy saving' light-bulbs are rubbish. They take just as much effort to screw in as the ordinary ones.
If you can't remember someone's name then, ask them "what was your name again?" Out of instinct, they tel you their first name. Then say "Oh I knew that, I meant your last name!" And boom, you get the full name, and you're not rude. Double score.
"No I didn't trip. The floor looked like it needed a hug."
Life is like a bowl of soup; you only get blown if you're hot.
If your apartment is hit by a dolphin DO NOT GO OUT TO SEE IF THE DOLPHIN IS OK. That's just how the hurricane tricks you into coming outside.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid one day when they are lying in hospitals, dying of nothing
Evolution is God's way of issuing upgrades.
Herman Cain's new plan should be the 69, 69, 69 plan...
The Game Angry Birds... Should really change its name to Angry People!
#ConradMurray guilty...guess this was the way to take the attention off of MJ being a weirdo with a drug addtction
You can't tell me Occupy Wall Street and the McRib's return are a coincidence.
I just hate it when I flip someone off and then realize I'm still wearing my mittens.
heard there is a new youth football league being formed... It's gonna be called Sandusky League.... Some full contact but mostly two hand touch !!!!
Conrad Murray convicted of killing a pedophile and we cheer at the verdict?? I bet Dexter Morgan is pleased even tho he didn't get to make a trip to Neverland Ranch!!
DQ's new "caramel nut roll" sounds like...ah hell, we all know exactly what it sounds like. 