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My favorite form of lying to myself is choosing a deodorant scent that contains the words 'active' or 'sport' in it's name 
The economy is so bad, the only thing that get's paid back nowadays is the hour that Daylight Savings Time borrows from Standard Time.
I hate daylight savings. Twice a year I have to set my alarm and get up at two in the morning to set my clock.....Damn.
The best part about the daylight savings tonight is that I get to hear last call called twice.
tonight we get to time travel & wont even need a delorean
If there was ever a Titanic themed party and you couldn't figure out what to go as, you could always go as an iceberg and crash the party.
The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I have explosive diarrhea right now,"
Two men walk into a bar. The first says, "I'll have some H2O." The second one says, "I'll have some H2O too." Then he dies..
It would be funny to make your facebook status "OMG IT ACTUALLY WORKS" and then 5 minutes later make another facebook status that says "Well, I'm gonna test out this time machine",
Two men walk into a bar. The first says, "I'll have some H2O." The second one says, "I'll have some H2O too." Then he dies
Sometimes you just wanna get hit by a car and sometimes you just want to be the one driving and hit someone else.
Statistics show that 1 in 20 of us live next door to a convicted pedophile. Not me though, I live next to two stunning 12 year olds.
Male bats have the highest rate of homosexuality......which would explain Edward.....
....... In suppoert of the Ocupy Wall Street movement ... I withdrew 20 bucks from my bank and bought a burger, fries, and went to a movie!! .. Take that you evil corporations!!
Ooook-lahoma, where the Earthquake comes sweepin' down the plain And the wavin' wheat can sure smell sweet When the Tornado's come right behind the rain.!
"im thankful the idiot with the gun was too drunk to aim "---living turkey
She fell in love with the person that I was back then. Why does she try so hard to change me into what suits her...it only drives me away.
I wish exams came with a "50/50" and a "phone a friend" option.
Ladies: Always remember, Boys may come and go, but a man will stay.
Always remember "You can't save these Hoes, That's Jesus job." 