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Don't forget to set your clocks back to a time when you believed dreams came true! 
and why, when I answered the phone, it was a guy on the other line??
Coffee is a gateway drug. You end up stirring liquid with increasingly larger sticks until eventually you're paddling a kayak.
Hah! Got my inflatable Santa Jesus up before you this year, Henderson. SUCK IT, CHRISTMAS LOSER!!!
Missed the gym yesterday.... That makes 11 years in a row.
Hey thanks for the event invitation. I live in Florida, but I'll leave for Utah immediately 'cause God knows I wouldn't wanna miss your sh**ty band's gig at Paul's Bowling Alley.
Obama supporters are in SUCH denial about EVERYTHING! We're on to you..accept it.
Money doesn't buy you happiness is just a saying rich people made up to prevent poor people from wanting to rob them.
You never see the GEICO Gecko driving a car in any of those commercials. I find that suspicious..
My mind and my body are starting to strongly disagree about how old I am.
People would probably piss me off a lot less if I was allowed to drive a tank.
If you think about it, most of your friendships stay in the "humor zone", where silences are awkward and must be resolved with laughs. Deep friendships allow you to be yourself instead of just a comedian.
the people who you babysit for, you should poke holes in all the condoms and ensure yourself at least five more years of babysitting money.
just saw a one armed man walk into a second hand store.
Blows me away how my friends psychic knows my 90 yr old granny has arthritis ...amazing.!!!
its all fun and games till you get tape on your face.
Hey people in cavilers, you have a 4 cylinder! I have an 8, stop trying to race me.....
If there was a hero that saved people from awkward conversations, he'd be more popular than Superman.
Did you know that if you drive past the first drive thru window your food is free?
"Crazy" is just another name for "Someone who knows how to have fun" 