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If you're genuinely surprised about Kim Kardashian getting divorced, I need to tell you something about Santa Claus... 
would happily join one of these "occupy" movements, if only they were looking to occupy a Dunkin' Donuts.
Did you hear about the mexican guy who had a heart attack on Halloween? Somebody came to his door dressed as a job.
When you love someone age , distance , height . weight is just a damn number .
noticed that countries that eat bacon have a lot less violence and war
Too many people complain about their looks, but not nearly enough complain about their brains.
Your story doesn't add up, so feel free to stop lying.
I saw that Justin bieber has a 3 month old ...I just seen her yesterday on Ellen and she looks like she already lost all her baby fat!
If you can stay up all night and hoot with the owls then you can get your a$$ up and soar with tthe eagles in the morning
Try an experiment..next time you are with your friends…see how long it takes before the conversation turns into talking about someone else…try it again as many times as you want..pay attention the results may open your eyes.
Some people spend so much time preaching to the choir..they forget to actually read the words. You are lying to yourself if you don't think you are the problem.
My, what a lovely shade of slut you are wearing today!
this Sunday we all get to travel back in time just like Marty McFly.
I'm thankful I can scroll quickly through what everyone's thankful for.
The length of your "About me" section on Facebook is directly proportional to how annoying you are in real life.
if a guys internet history is cleared, please dont shake his hands...
Great news for YOU , I found a prostitute that charges by the inch, I obviusly can't afford her but I figured I'd pass it onto you so you could enjoy a cheap night out
Yea, autocorrect, I meant "nymph" instead of "my phone" because I am a 16th Century poet.
What an alleged ‘drug dealer' said to the Judge, “Weed is not a drug, it's a plant. Therefore, I am not a dealer, I'm a Florist.”
Million Dollar Idea: Toilet paper with short stories on them. 