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I'm not one to brag about my Press exposure but yes, it's true what they're saying in my local paper. I am selling my couch 
What was longer.... Kim Kardashian's marriage or theTrick-or-Treat line outside of Casey Anthony's house?
I really tend to have less tolerance of ugly people.
Speaking from experience, No More Tears shampoo does not work as advertised if you drop the bottle on a baby's face.
This Planking epidemic is getting way out of hand my neighbor the old lady next door been laying outside for 2 days now.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don't use words like "East."
Ugly people should really stop trying to take seductive pictures of themselves, it's camera fudgin suicide.
Since when did remembering names become such a thing? I think I offended dog face girl, again.
Auctioneers are proof white guys could rap if they tried hard enough.
FREE NUDE SHOW: Walk into a women's tanning salon and yell "FIRE!"
I'm not a fan of stupid conspiracy theories, but I'm fully aware that Governments slow down time on weekdays & speed it up on weekends.
You can burn calories by having sex! Related: Looking for a workout partner.
I would totally dominate Iron Chef Pop Tart.
Statistically speaking, 9 out of 11 Americans will be offended by this message.
You know when you walk into a room and forget why you went in there? That's God playing Sims, he just cancelled your action.
had it up to here!! (raises hand above head)
Detroit Lions players mock Tim Tebow in blowout win Sunday. Tim Tebow responded with; At least I don't wake up in Detroit.
Look, if I thought my feelings needed to be spared I would've just went to a prostitute and saved myself the effort!
When someone asks me what superpower I would have if I were a superhero, I tell them I already have one. I say I possess the preternatural ability to anticipate and avoid horrifically boring conversations. Then I walk away.
I want to make a font joke, but I'm just not bold enough. 