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My policy towards g@ys is the same as my policy towards vegetarians. More g@ys means more women for me. More vegetarians means more meat for me. Its a win win situation. 
There's a thin line between genius and insanity, and I'm that line. Genius by nature, insane by choice.
Roman numerals. What are they good IV?
In some places in India it is cheaper to have sex with a prostitute than it is to buy a condom.
75% of my regrets involve hitting the "Send" button
Don't worry and stress too much over material things. Material things are good to have but they aren't everything. Have you ever seen anyone stuff a Bentley or a mansion in their casket and take it to Heaven?
me without you is like- pepsi without cans, pedophiles without vans, Jersey Shore without tans.
Be nice to your neighbors.. They're the only ones who'll know the difference between your good screams and your bad screams..Happy Halloween!
I don't burn bridges. I just loosen the bolts a little bit each day.
If dogs wrote memoirs, they'd reveal their psychological problems came from having to wear Halloween costumes as puppies.
Nobody likes coming to this gas station anymore because of all the stabbings, but those hardly ever happen before 5pm.
I was asked it I ever experienced Paranormal activity. I replied " Yeah , my ex girlfriend ... she's possessed by the devil and every 20-25 days it got even worse !!!"
Treat me right or someone else will.
You would think that the 4 page instructions/warnning packet for Adderall, would include narritive pictures.
I need a great woman or two or 3 good ones.
I wanted to spice it up a little for Halloween this year...so I blacked out all the 'contains nuts' labels on the snickers bars. Trick or treat?
Kim Kardashian just filed for divorce. She must not be aware that I'm in a serious relationship. I'll have to let her down easy
Do people using Twitter Twick or Tweet today??
This is nothing but a sausage fest ~ guy working at Jimmy Dean
Whoever convinced these singers that they can automatically crossover to acting must be shot. 