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thinking of stalking my stalker just to shake things up a bit 
I say tomato, you say tomato. hahahahaha I know your laughing right now cuz you totally just read this with two pronunciations... lol
Ladies: Being attractive isn't a free pass to act like a witch.
Farts are so funny...because you dont ever know what they're going to sound like.
Last women I hooked up with at the retirement home told me, "If you break it you buy it"! You know what that hip replacement cost me
My most meaningful conversations these days are with Siri
punched the devil in the face today :D or a kid in a costume, either way that motherfucker learnt not to come to my house asking for lollies :)
i heard a noise last night, so I got up and peered through the gap in the curtains and yep, sure enough, there she was just stepping into the bath.
just won 1st prize at the Halloween party for best costume which was male genitalia. I never even entered. I just went to pick up the wife and forgot to take off my bluetooth headset
i went to this halloween party dressed as a leaf blower. another guy came dressed as a leaf. needless to say, it was awkward
maybe I need to re-think this ghost costume I'm wearing... I do live in the ghetto afterall
you can't bring a water bottle on a plane because it could be a bomb... but thats ok, just go put it in that garbage can overthere
If dogs wrote memoirs, they'd reveal their psychological problems came from having to wear Halloween costumes as puppies.
Hey Subway, just make everything 5 dollars forever and shut the hell up.
today is an agorophobic pedophiles wet dream
Love is when you look into someone's heart and find everything you need.
Someone ask me what I was gonna be for Halloween, I said sober. No one will no its me..
Satan came to me today and asked if he frieghtened me, I said no- not in the least bit, I said I used to be married to your sister...
sir, you can't take that unopened bottle of diet coke on the plane because it could be a bomb... just go put it in that garbage can over there with all the other could-be-bombs.
You know when you need a new pillow when you can fold yours into fourths. 