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Just found out the Jersey Show house can be rented for $2,500 a night. That includes all the recommended vaccines 
It's the strangest feeling when you come out of the cinema when a film ends, because you were so sucked into the film that you forget all about real life.
People keep telling me I'm a dinosaur because I still use a landline telephone. I've been wanting to get rid of it for a good while now but It's really hard because it matches my abacus.
I have this medical condition that makes me pee in a hot tub as soon as I get in it.
Wasn't very creative as a kid. I never had any imaginary friends growing up and neither did any of my friends from planet BeelaBoop.
It's hard to understand why eating a banana would be considered even remotely sexual. Sure, it can represent a phallic object, but if a girl devouring your pen!s turns you on then you have some serious problems.
it me, or does "Bananas in Pyjamas" just sound like a safe sex campaign.
BIRTH: It goes in like a banana and comes out like a pineapple.
kids have to be confused by halloween...rest of the year ur not supposed to talk to strangers or accept anything from strangers...on halloween you say "trick or treat" to a stranger & accept their candy
Its a good thing its Halloween already, The skeletons in my shed are starting to stink up the neighborhood!!
I don't want anyone to feed my ego. I just want someone to put it in their mouth and do tongue tricks with it.
Meanwhile, on the east coast, thousands of children are changing their costume from pirate to snowboarder.
Blonde texts me "What does IDK, IDC and GTG mean? " I respond "I don't know, I don't care, and Got to Go." She responds "FINE, but that's really rude!"
The Texas Rangers are half way to becoming the Buffalo Bills of the MLB
any day above the ground is a good day
Now that I'm older I'm starting realize when my mom made me let her check my candy...It wasn't her way of trying to save me from the bad candy...She just wanted too steal the good stuff for herself...Thanks Mom
Sex with me is like Sex with an optometrist: better like this, or better like this, How about this, or like this. Better here or here.
Why are Halloween costumes so skanky??? Sorry Christmas, "ho ho ho" is now a more appropriate greeting for Halloween...
Those cheap-ass pencils with erasers that fu*k up the paper more than the mistake you want to erase.
Can you imagine how different the story would have been if Fritz hadn't dropped the "normal" brain? 