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Well, I guess these tequila shots aren't going to regret themselves 
Dear Lord, please give me the strength to forgive those who put LOL in their status updates
Saw a black velvet Kenny Rogers painting today. I wish I was kidding, but I'm not.
Everything I need to know about whether or not cops are allowed to search my car I learned from Jay-Z songs
I'm holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team
I'll usually hug people when it's obvious they only want to shake hands
Imagine a guy trying to run upstairs while wearing roller blades. That's my life
Seismologists have determined that the earthquake in Washington,D.C. was not caused by a fault line, but by our Founding Fathers rolling over in their graves!!!!
Warning: Warnings are so retarded. Like on this deodorant 'Avoid contact with eyes.' Too late, I've already seen it.
I go to the liquor store and stock up for hurricanes almost every other weekend.
Prostitutes are born when you give goodwill all your slutty clothes.
It's not fair to blame Pizza Hut for my weight gain. It was more of a Domino effect.
I love it when a girl smiles, she looks beautiful but when she makes a duck face... honestly, she looks like a duck
why marry and make one woman happy when you can remain single and make many Women Happy........???
a man with a plan. Granted my plan involves beer, strippers and chicken wings but a plan none the less.
"Marriage" - Betting someone half your sh!t that you'll love them forever
Dear Eminem and Bruno Mars - while I really enjoy your new song, I cant help thinking that a 'Sky Full of Lighters' is pretty much a fire hazard just waiting to happen. Didn't think that one through, did you?
Fellas--you CAN be friends with women, but if she's got those eyes that awaken the beast within, then relax and go see a movie by yourself.
I don't like bragging, hipsters, but wearing ugly clothes that don't fit was my thing in 3rd grade. Also dumb glasses and bad music.
My list of things that are great: bills, traffic, the NBA lockout, the recession, Obama's plans.... Oh! and sarcasm. 