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I recently visited a mental asylumn, and I asked the director "how can you know when a person needs to be institutionalized?" He said, "Well, we fill a bathtub with water, and we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket and ask them to empty the tub." I sa 
I said "I see...a normal person would choose the bucket because it is bigger." He responded, "No. a normal person would pull the plug...would you like a bed by the window?"
Larry Page : So we need cellphones? Go buy Motorola. Secretary : Ok (10 mins later) Secretary : Bought it. Larry : ok...which model ? ......Secretary : Model ?
Q: What do you call a hooker with a runny nose? A: FULL!!!
Judging by the hair on the furniture, I'm surprised I have any cat left at all.
Great news! I'm declaring a national strike. Nobody go to work.
Imagine how frustrating it would be if Tic-Tacs were individually wrapped.
Facebook: All the people you didn't like from high school- now with pictures of their kids!
She asked me how to spell slut. So I helped her spell her name.
I hate people who say, “Talk to me I am bored”. STFU, do I look like I was put on this planet to entertain you?
I might have lost the relationship, but I regained myself.
I'm sorry Febreeze.. I don't believe the commercials where you take the two blindfolded women into a crack house and the kitchen with the decaying meat tray and they smell Yosimte National Park.. :-/
Just walk up to a blonde and tell her to say "Alpha kenny Body" really fast.
It's too bad that everyone that has a solution for everything is at home commenting on the Internet.
Dr. Phil is human garbage and he should have hot sauce poured into every orfice of his body, then be given an ice cold shower and forced to stay in it for a couple hours.
still think that Carlos Santana looks exactly like Muammar Gaddafi...Carlos Santana better be laying low for a while until this whole thing settles down
They call her “SWITCH” because anyone can turn her on.
"XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX"-Pierce Morgan
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and have also bought jewelry.
The GOP slams Obama's Martha's Vineyard vacation. They'd denounce it from the floor of Congress, but they're all on vacation... 