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4 out of 5 turtles are Ninjas 
i think my Yogurts haunted ...... Paranormal Activia
Every time I see a female sword swallower I think ...... she use to have a black boyfriend
why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves!
I was on the phone last night with my mom and I was telling her that I had a real bad headache? She says, "You have any acetylsalicylic acid?" I said, "Ma, you mean aspirin?" She goes, “That's it, I can never remember that word.”
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.
And another reason NASCAR sucks....A driver can go the entire season, including "The Chase" portion without winning a race and still with the championship. Lame!
some days, its not even worth chewing through the restraints.
Treating the whole world as if it works for you doesn't suggest you're special, it means you're an a$$.
If I cared, I'd draw you a map of your a$$ with an X marking the spot where your head is buried.
"I couldn't give a rat's tutu about your emotional distress" -- Judge Judy
so "Diet Pepsi" and "Diet Coke" are now linked to increased weight, diabetes, risk of stroke/heart disease and they ruin your taste buds.... Can we change the name now to just "Gross Tasting Drink"?
I stepped into the Wal-Mart bathroom and it smelled like Casey Anthony's trunk in there...
How can a slim chance and a fat chance mean the same thing
Sometimes those people you think are acting dumb are in fact not acting at all.
Dear "OK", you should be arrested for killing conversations.
Whenever I see a fat kid running, the slogan 'America Runs On Dunkin' comes to mind.
you may be "special" but you are not uniquie.
Don't wait for the one you can live with, be with the one you can't live without.
When I woke up this morning I half expected to find a tiger in the bathroom and a baby in the closet... 