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"Use As Directed" is just a personal challenge to my creativity. 
I'm looking forward to the day when Jesus points to me, and turns to our Father and says, "This one is mine!"
The next time you feel the need to post a picture of yourself holding a phone in a mirror, don't. The word tool first comes to mind.
Thunderstorm knocked out my power so to pass the time, I'm sticking sharp metal objects into the wall outlets and hoping the power doesn't come back on.
“Hey, it's been 6 seconds. Check your phone again.” (my brain)
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane...
im pretty sure charlie sheen will get fired from his own comedy central roast..
a recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem!
Some people sing to plants to help them grow. That's one reason I scream at the top of my lungs the entire time I mow.
I've been to the dentist several times so I know the drill
The Twelve Jurors In The Casey Anthony Trial. Names Released! Homer Simpson, Moe Howard, Larry Fine, Curly Howard, Kelly Bundy, Eric Cartman Joey Tribbiani, Beavis, Butthead, Edith Bunker, SpongeBob SquarePants, The Coyote.
Lightning strike at Caylee Anthonys memorial 'could be a sign from the angels'
decided to clean house since it is raining. Now it smells of Murphy oil soap and Pine-Sol.. Instead of Sex and Candy.
My brain returns to its default settings every ten minutes.
I've been shopping for a new desk. Still can't find one with a headboard.
Girl, not even the Kool-Aid man could bust through your emotional walls.
I wash my hands so many times a day, I couldn't contract OCD even if I wanted to.
Initials and Acronyms. Casey Marie Anthony=CMA=Caylee's Murderer Acquitted
I probably should have put my real birthdate, because I just woke up to a bunch of happy birthday's on my wall.
if only you could put people up to the light to see if they're fake or real like a 20 dollar bill 