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A cop tried to pull me over for not having a rear-view mirror, but I didn't see him. 
Calvin Klein has a new plan to make people buy more underwear. I saw the price of boxers and shit myself.
The coffee maker is moving so slow, it's upsetting the space-time continuum.
I guess what I'm proudest of is my ability to make the tough choices in hypothetical situations.
Casey Anthony tried to celebrate her acquittal last night at Chili's but waiters kept walking by singing, "I want my babyback babyback babyback... I want my babyback babyback babyback..."
America has Talent..but a little weak on the selection process for Jurors in Florida
I think I had too much to drink last night because I left the door open the whole time I was peeing. That might not sound bad, but when you're driving 65 mph, it can cause all kinds of problems.
Not So Good Pick-up Line #7: Girl, your dad must be a lobster… because all your meat is in the tail!
Whoever wants to kill Casey Anthony, should probably do so in Florida.
Next up on espn , womans soc... click.
Excuse me Casey Anthony, but OJ had the best murder trial of all time!!! - Kanye West
Canadian bacon is just ham wrapped in a lie
If you don't define yourself for yourself, you will be crunched into other people's fantasies and abused till kingdom come.
A fool is a wise man's ladder.
I like to relive my single days when my wife gets home late by eating dinner standing over the sink.
Always be positive! For example: I am positive that I hate Casey Anthony.
Florida, you just want attention don't you? Casey Anthony, Tim Tebow, the election of 2000. Its always about you, isn't it?
The new ending to Harry Potter is lame. He says Abra Cadabra and Steve Miller reaches out and grabs Voldemort.
Doing the old....how many woman have I slept with count....God I hate fractions
Damn white cars that look like cop cars! I just chugged my beer super fast for nothing 