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Woke up today singing, "It's the 4th of July," to the tune of "It's the First of the Month," by Bone Thugs-N-Harmony. 
My interest in boomerangs comes and goes.
I miss the bottle rocket wars we use to have as a kid...Oh and too my boy "One Eyed Willy" thank you for taking one for the team all those years ago...What you lack in depth perception you make up with heart...
If you eat smores with a knife and fork you have no soul.
You can't be hot when you're asleep, especially when you're in a deep sleeping having a dream about making love to a Snowman!
never seen a tombstone that read: "Died from not forwarding that text to ten friends."
I miss the 80's. The temperatures, not the decade.
I couldnt find the thingy that peels the carrots & potatoes, so I asked the kids if they had saw it & apparently, she left me yesterday?!
I don't always watch porn... but when I do... I prefer Tres Equis... Stay horny my friends...
The reason Rump Roast is called Rump Roast because nobody would eat it if it was called Cow Ass
I want to go to prison....I hear the exercise program there is AWESOME!!!
Microwave popcorn...my own personal fireworks noise.
Let the fireworks begin!!!
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is damn bacteria.
Because of the poor economy, we couldn't afford fireworks. The only snap, crackle, and pop at our house yesterday was when I poured milk on a bowl of Rice Krispies.
Okay, I haven't seen a damn spider around here in like three days...What the hell are they planning??
The two favorite buttons I LOVE on Facebook: "Hide all posts from this person" and "Hide friend request".
We used to be the same person... Who tho hell are you?
"I wasn't that Drunk.." "Dude, you threw a bird at the police and screamed go angry bird kill those pigs!"
Constitution signed [X] Morons taking over and ruining it [X] ... We gotta fix this country. 