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you know you are the luckiest person when ur on the beach in the middle of 10's of people and a Pigeon decides to send you regards from above. 
You are proudly invited to my BBQ party on the 4th where a large gathering of people will proudly display their dependance of alcohol on independence day!
Tip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left now turn it to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.
My wife told me " it would be nice if you loaded the dishwasher once in a while after we eat." So after dinner tonight I'm going to buy her a 5th of jack.
Hear about Sarah Palin and Michelle Obama posing nude for magazines lately? Yeah Sarah Palin was seen in playboy and Michelle Obama was discovered in National Geographics!!
Hiccups: Karma's way of saying " I'm busy right now, but heres a lil somethin something to annoy the shit out of you for a while
You know you drank too much last night when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator.
If you look at life like a piano where the white keys represent happiness & the black keys represent sadness. As life goes on you realize the black keys make music too...d;^)
There are no automatic doors. Just gentlemen ninjas.
Q: What do you have when Hillary Clinton is at the beach buried up to her neck in sand? A: Not enough sand.
Just like a baby I like to drink my dinner from a bottle.
Getting some cans of gas to make this years homemade fireworks show more entertaining.
Apparently if you have my good looks and go to a nude beach everyone gets jealous and they make you put your clothing back on.
They're not "Used Cars" anymore, they're "Pre-owned" I suggest "Divorce" be changed to "Pre-Loved"
Pain is nature's way of saying, "Don't do that." Painkillers are mankind's way of saying, "Just watch me."
she may be from Kentucky but she is still one hell of a throat yodleler...
If you don't wake up, eat & then go back to sleep, you're doing Sunday wrong.
Nothing says your celebrating the birth of our Nation, like the smell of Gunpowder and Beer..
A*s....its the theme of the day! I feel like it, look like it, hopefully don't smell like it and probably am one!
No no no .... They're not "Used Cars" anymore, they're "Pre-owned" I suggest "Divorce" be changed to "Pre-F*%ked" 